Temporary Withdrawl Insanity

Again I find myself at the gym on a 5K run. Uphill. Myself + Mohammed Ali = one thing in common. Abstinence has made us driven, abrasive and frightening (in a low-budget horror film kind of way).

1. Aggression and belligerence? Check.
2. Get high from working out? Check.
3. Cold showers? Try baths. In ice.
4. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee? Done and done! 

Half a life-time ago, I decided to stop not having sex. I never thought I’d go back to those pre-boot knockin’ days when action meant French kissing the back of my hand whilst looking at a poster of Mark Wahlberg. Alas! A Hollywood wax was the closest I’ve got to action in eight – EIGHT – weeks. I almost enjoyed it! That can’t be reasonable.

There is something not quite right about someone who has gone from top-gear midnight racing to the world’s longest pit stop. I can’t quite put my finger on it. (Actually, I do often – but let’s save that for another article, shall we?)

Choosing Abstinence

What makes people step out of the game? To find out, I went to the streets and got a cross-section of society to respond, namely friends, Romans and countrymen. (I was in London’s South Bank, gimme a break!) Anyhow, it seems that there are actually several interesting reasons for not having sex:

Asexuality

According to AVEN, some of us humans are not sexually attracted to anyone. However, this does not mean that asexuals are incapable of masturbation or romance. Fascinating! Love and companionship without the messy bits. It almost makes sense.

Celibacy

The vows, the cloisters, the wine into blood, the rituals, Mary the Virgin, resurrection! Oooh God that’s good. Nothing says steamy role play like the vows of celibacy. If I was not a guilty Jew, I would certainly be a guilty Catholic. Hot!

Virginity

Here we go. This must be me! No? What if I was “born again“? Still no? Fair enough. Anyways, in high school I collected virgins like Happy Meal toys, but obviously the trend died out when I got to uni. However, Little Ninja Kick pointed out that these rare and mystical creatures still walk among us. Her theory is that waiting for The One or The Moment went on for so long that the idea of sex just got weird or old hat. Perhaps patience is a virtue.

Cowardly

Avoiding commitment. Bingo! Somehow, I have managed to associate sex with Commitment, “being involved” and the deep muddy waters of the land of the AreWe/Aren’tWe?. My excuse: If I don’t have sex I certainly won’t have to deal with all the crap of those “Were-not-gf/bf-but-we-screw-so-someone-will-get-confused-and-a-tantrum-is-inevitable” relationships. Instead of dealing with him or her – halleluiah! – I get to deal with myself. Practical. Simple. Annoying.

Then again, perhaps none of the above apply to me. I am reminded of that old saying: if you want something done right … you should probably just pay an expert.

Friends Don’t Let Friends Make Shit Resolutions

End of year resolutions are made with a kilo of self-critique and an ounce of common sense: less belly fat, more time, less BS, more alfalfa, less smoking, more blah blah blah!

Strategize For Success

Let’s cut ourselves some slack and try not to aim for failure. As Aunty Stormy says, “If you lower your expectations, you’ll always be pleasantly surprised”. In fact, all those things we shun about ourselves are not so bad:

• Go to bed late. Week nights are for socialising and having a life.
• Buy your lunch. Leave the building and actually take that hour allocated to you.
• Avoid the gym. It will be packed ’til February. Walk to the restaurant instead.
• Indulge your vices. Put one on each Friday of your new calendar.
• Talk to randoms. Karma happens.
• Make demands on others. Dump, propose or renew. Onwards and upwards.
• Start a procrastination club. Postpone meetings.
• Drink beer. Fewer chances of getting plastered and embarrassing yourself. Also, ales make a great conversation starter!
• Slack off. Homework = wrinkles and microwave dinners.
•  Throw out your miracle creams and potions. Self-appreciation shouldn’t cost more than £10 at Superdrug.
• Don’t lose weight. You look fabulous and you know it. Throw out the clothes that don’t make you look like dynamite and get some that do. Easy peasy.

So, when you’re indulging yourself at this time of year, remember to tell that tiny voice in the back of your head to go ahead and fuck off now. There is a good reason why so many religions and cultures allocate light, hearth, warmth and decadence to this time of year.

Enjoy!

The Sexylicious Advent Calendar

A Countdown You Can Count On!

An early gift for all my WN2D lovers: in true WhatNot2Date style, I have amassed an advent calendar of fun, flirty ways to prep ourselves for New Year’s Eve!

Goin’ Down on December:

• 8^th – Wear sexy knickers under work uniform (extra points for wearing them over instead!)
• 9^th – Take a personal “time out” in the shower, friends optional
• 10^th – Have a chocolate fountain for dinner, clothing optional
• 11^th – Throw a Hebrew Hammer theme party to save Hanukkah
• 12^th – Make-out high school style in the car (under the shirt, over the bra!)
• 13^th – Wear a mistletoe hat … to church!
• 14^th – Jump naked out of a gingerbread house
• 15^th – Do an eye shot (extra points for tequila!)
• 16^th – During an elevator snog, push all the buttons
• 17^th – Start a Cava chugging competition at lame-o staff “do”
• 18^th – Pick a spot at the gym with full view of hot bods; proceed to eat mince pies
• 19^th –Would you, could you on a train? Would you, could you in the rain?
• 20^th  –  Send cock block texts to a friend on a date *ahem!*
• 10 lords a peeing
• 9 ladies drunk-dialing
• 8 maids a retching
• 7 fountian swimming
• 6 N00Bs a laying
• 5 gold cock rings
• 4 cat calls
• 3 french fries
• 2 broken heels
• … And a nice, cold 1 for me!
• Happy New Year Beers!!

Enjoy the holiday season responsibly. And by holiday season I mean Life. And by responsibly I mean like no one’s watching.

Why Women Should Ask Men Out

Can someone please forward me the memo entitled Very Important Guide to Who Makes the First Move? I seem to have misplaced mine!

If you’re like me and you have no flipping clue what’s going on (when you haven’t even left the house yet!) then you’re probably wondering why it’s like a grade 8 dance out here:

1. Should I ask him out?
2. If I don’t wait, will I seem too eager/pushy?
3. If I wait, will he lose interest and wander off?
4. WTF is The Rules trying to do to me?
5. Why am I waiting? This is boring. Who wants chocolate?

About a third of the way through the chocolate, I had a revelation: I’d go undercover. Purely for “research purposes”, I decided to test what would happen if I did the things that women wait for men to do …

CrashTestDummy @ 42nd Street Nightclub

Man-moves tested: asked him to dance, showed him my muscles, protected him from chavs and leaned in for a kiss.

 Result: he told me I was “dangerous”, said I was “killing him”, and legged it.

 TheDelayedPlane @ in actual real life 

Man-moves employed: asked him out.

Result: we both had a fabulous time on two occasions, put the ball in his court to arrange the third, inbox empty. I’ll keep you posted!

ThirdTime’sACharm @ OkCupid

Man-moves: initiated contact, followed up when hadn’t heard from him in a while, planned both dates, didn’t move my face to the side when he hugged me.

Result: a very nice, non-groping kiss.

As you can clearly see from my anthropological fieldwork: nobody knows what the hell is going on. That’s why people get married – they get sick of  this! I, on the other hand, am finding this absolutely fascinating. I’m especially impressed with my ability to find the humour in what might drive other women crazy with confusion. Perhaps I am too busy dating to realise what’s going on?

A secretly recorded candid interview

I asked a random man if he was comfortable with women approaching him and initiating the conversation. He reported that he would talk to any woman who came up to him, regardless of what she looked like or whether they were compatible. Why? Her mate might be fit. Actually, that’s not so bad. Might as well hook up a girlfriend and move on.

Last weekend I ran away from someone. This weekend I chased someone away. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what you do. If they’re interested, they’ll take the bait. If not, they’re probably happy hiding under their sofa and always have been – waaay before you met them.

When I first put myself back on the market, I thought “Let them come to me. Anyone not making the effort now certainly won’t make it later.” Now, I realise that it’s pretty limiting to take my pick of those who pick me first.

Navigating the world of dating really only comes down to one thing: when to be unassuming and when to swing from the chandelier. Sadly, we humans have not synchronised our swatches on this one yet!

And this is why gorgeous, kind and super cool people are single.

How to Escape a Bad Date

10 Things I Hate About This Date

1. You don’t look like your profile picture

“Oh! You look a bit … different!” Blink blink. “And the [super long unkempt] hair, is that a new look?” Nods.

2. You need a barber

Obviously, we are not off to a good start, but running away or pretending to suffer from amnesia is poor form, so I decide to concoct a plan.

When he finally speaks, he explains that he was mugged last night and hasn’t even got a penny to his name. He points to the invisible “bruise” under his eye.

3. A person with friends would have borrowed £10 from them

Feeling a bit guilty, I offer my sympathy and suggest that we go to a free art gallery instead. As we enter Urbis, I tell myself that this is good practise for that “being nice” thing my mom is always promoting. Then again, I’d go with Attila the Hun if it meant seeing Home Grown, the story of hip hop in the UK.

4. You block and talk throughout

Homegrown is fabulous and I’m learning a lot. What North American would have known that England has a long-established hip hop scene? As I explore the exhibit, I discover that a unique style of hip hop was inspired by – hair – as a response to immigration in the 1950s, which caused major – hair, knapsack – transformed into a creative mix of new beats and lyrics, later referred to as the best – hair, knapsack, hand – such a question could only be posed by Monie Love during an exclusive interview with – hair, knapsack, hand … is that your voice?!

5. You offer to pay “next time”?!

Having seen everything and nothing, I offer to buy us a quick coffee in the café downstairs before he leaves.

6. Oh, really? You won’t drink that coffee? It’s not fair-trade?

By this point, I’m totally on-side with the mugger – he clearly made a fair trade.

7. You don’t like beer

As I chug my scalding coffee, I realise that now is the perfect time to test all the paranoia-inducing What Not To Do On a First Date articles.

The experiment: Do the following behaviours really ruin a date?

• pick nose & teeth
• talk too much
• lament over past relationships
• hate Christmas, children & kittens
• argue vehemently that Captain Picard can kick James T. Kirk’s ass any day of the week, pal

Conclusion: No dice. Clearly, this date is case in point for the Just Be Yourself rule. Resistance is futile.

Luckily, I overhear a lady behind me asking if any tables would be free soon and over-enthusiastically offer her our table. I force invite her to sit with us while we wait for the bill.

8. You try to kiss me

9. I break a heel running away

As I’m bashing said broken heel back into place against the side of a building, I look up and see him through the glass doors of the train station. To my surprise: 

10. I see you buying yourself lunch?!

Dumpsville Elects New Mayor

“Hi, I’m Lynne. (Insert your name) won’t be here this evening. You have just been dumped. Here’s my card if you ever require my services.” 

I wish!

If you can’t face your bf/gf to carefully explain why you both should end the relationship amicably and move on – congratulations! You’re just like 99.9% of the population. So let’s stop pretending that we’re all just friends and admit that we should start paying someone else to face the music on our behalf. Really, it’s no different from ending a business transaction via your PA or forwarding your calls to voicemail.

Greater Dumpsville Transport Service

Getting a professional to do it for you is the modern answer to when things get old. Or perhaps you’d like to stick with the traditional train-to-nowhere route?

Route WTF 01

According to The Pretty Fucked Up Website, the best option for breaking up is to “pretend you have moved to Somalia aka dumping by avoidance”. While I am a big fan of this “trim the fat” approach, I do recognise that it has its limitations, such as hiding under neighbourhood fruit stands, angry pen pals, screening calls and red alert texts.

Despite the excitement and blogging opportunities, dumping by avoidance always ends in outbound rationalisation and inbound psychosis. Surely, there’s a better way?

Route WTF 02

When you realise that failing to call back = everything does not work itself out, DIY online: Dear John letter. You don’t have to pick a “good” time or place and can move on immediately. The sun is shining and your step is light.

Then, when you least expect it, you open your real/virtual mailbox and Psychosis-Surprise is waiting for you. What will it be: An empty apology? Blame game? Inner demons at work? Grammatically incorrect use of expletives? Naturally, you’re tempted to lower yourself and reply – with better one-liners and spell-check, of course!

Playing musical mailboxes is the Kinder Egg of the dating world. Surely there’s a better way?

The new PDA

Fear not: there are more than 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. Enter the PDA: Personal Dumping Assistant

PDAs can:

• Make quick and discreet appearances at the location of your choosing
• Forward nasty messages to an automated “what part of get lost don’t you understand?!” answering machine.
• Make appointments with his/her/your disappointed parents
• Dodge the “you can’t fire me, I quit” bullet
• Break thumbs and call mums

PDAs cannot:

• Divide your belongings
• Hold custody hearings over the cat, frying pan, frozen ovaries …
• Get stuck in the ex-sex rut
• Engage in He said-She said or Endless Rebuttal
• Drunk dial
• Start an argument and use it as an excuse to break up

Is PDA for you?

Sure, employing a PDA may be a bit inappropriate for our times. However, just like premarital sex, people will warm to it quickly.

Furthermore, this service is not as one-sided as it may seem. If you’re on the receiving end, you also win by gaining the moral high ground: “S/he didn’t even have the decency to say it to my face.” Na na + boo boo.

The main necessity that the PDA provides is your desire to move on and their need for closure. And remember: if the going gets tough, the tough have already left.

Here’s my card if you require my services.

The Retarding Factor

When it comes to investing even a nanosecond in someone else, I’ve recently adopted the pirates’ code. Fall behind = left behind.

 Alas, I’m a bit slow on the uptake. If the Titanic was sinking, I’d tie weights to my legs so I could understand where it was coming from.

“You need to learn to identify the Retarding Factor,” I am warned by J.T., who discovered this highly poisonous condition.

The Retarding Factor is the result of any personal connection that may look like an innocent smoothie, but is actually rancid soy milk when put to your lips. The result is time wasted and growth stunted.

Symptoms are identical to having a crappy partner, except that here you convince yourself you’ve got a non-relationship:

1. The One That Got Away

You used to date in high school. They now have a kid and live in Sarnia. You’re just friends now. Honest. However, you draw pictures on your long-distance phone bill of you baking cookies with said kid while s/he BBQs in the background. Then, during one of your “friendly” calls, you fight about money, your parents, and stem cell research. After hanging up and calling back, you argue about arguing. That’s it! Never again!

You call next Saturday. Same bat time. Same bat channel.

2. Relationship of Convenience

Meh. I’d see other people, but I’m stuck to the couch. Can you bring me a beer please? Awwww. It’s warm. Oh well. 

 Just because you consider yourself single does not absolve you from this dating folly.  This could easily be someone that happens to be free on the (every) Saturday that you are or happens to be horizontal and naked when you are.  These arrangements will likely make you shift into cruise control on a highway that leads to relationship limbo and ultimately nowhere. Are we there yet? 

3. An Overblown Fantasy

You slept together 2 months ago. Well, not exactly slept together. But, you can tell it could have happened. Since then, they have lost their phone twice, lost your number, stayed at their best friends’ for a few weeks, got swine flu and had to go to Sarnia on business. You know that fate is trying to keep you apart, but when they accidentally texted you instead of the other Michael/Michelle, you realised you had to fight for this love.

Forever is not that long anyways. 

4. Waiting for Commitment

It’s not that they don’t want to be boyfriend-girlfriend with you – they just need some space. It’s not that they don’t want to marry you – they just have to think about it for another 2 years. You defend them to your friends so you don’t look like an idiot.

Next Christmas, Valentines’ Day or  coronation will be the day when they prove what only you believed in. Boy will everyone else look stupid! 

5. Crazy But Hid It Well (For a While)

As intriguing as their liberal lifestyle and cover-to-cover knowledge of the Kama Sutra may be, that psychotic twinkle in their eye will never go away.  “I’m sure s/he’ll change” are the last words of the person that now lives in a freezer in numerous pieces.

Retard-ectomy

Whatever form your retarding factor takes, the fact remains that you end up looking like a dog chasing it’s tail when you should be looking for better tail in other places.  Just like any surgery, a retard-ectomy may hurt at first but keep you from settling into a lifetime of misery. 

When you realise you’ve had a sour taste in your mouth for way too long, treat it like a bad curry: put it all behind you.

The Idiot’s Guide to Bisexuality

Why I don’t discuss my bisexuality (except with the closest of friends) is because it gets used against me. That’s right. Some party-pooper always ends up using it to make assumptions about my integrity. Sadly, a vicious cycle is created: we  don’t talk about it, so people feel free to make it up as they go along.

No wonder Lady Gaga came out in a song called Poker Face.

Rarely do I reply, except perhaps to point out that someone is giving wordy evidence of the fact that they have nothing to say. The miseducation stops now and the idiot’s guide begins. 

Blurred Lines 101

Anyone who ever took a Social Science course can tell you that things are not as clear-cut as they seem: gay/straight; dominant/submissive, man/woman, black/white, etc. Furthermore, if you look at sex, gender and sexuality across the ages and cultures, it’s all been done before.  

It is not unusual for humans to experiment with sliding up and down the sexuality spectrum. Contrary to popular belief, bisexuals aren’t smack dab in the middle of said continuum; we may lean towards one end or the other, or go back and forth. We don’t jump to the other “side” and play for the other “team”. Things just aren’t that simple.

Bi the Bi …

In fact, it is arguable that there aren’t only two sexes, so bisexual is a misnomer. A quick visit to Urban Dictionary confirms that polysexual, multisexual, or pansexual are perhaps more appropriate.

I’m not sure why, but I have always been blind to sex and gender. It’s a wonderful gift to see things in a different light. I can think outside of many boxes. It makes me creative.

Now that you realise how much perspective you can gain from befriending or dating a person who just so happens to be bisexual, try not to embarrass yourself. Here’s how:

How Not to Piss Off a Bisexual Person 

1. We are not gays or lesbians. We don’t like being called by these. It’s like getting our name wrong.
2. We don’t automatically want to sleep with you. Or your girlfriend.
3. No, you can’t take pictures.
4. We’re not the answer to you and your partner’s bedroom boredom. Well, probably we are – but don’t flatter yourself that we are going to dash right over to sort you out.
5. I am no more of a promiscuous, sneaky, cheat than you are.
6. The women you see in dance clubs who make out with their girlfriends to attract men’s attention? Probably not us.
7. We are not merely confused or undecided yet. We love more than one gender. You can go ahead and get over it now.
8. Yes, I have had a threesome and if you want to learn more about it, go have your own!
9. We don’t stop being bisexual when in an exclusive relationship. Bisexuality doesn’t expire so you can feel less insecure.
10. If I leave you for another woman, that woman will be me. Or your mom.

Stop Hiding

An international look at the less-visible side of Queer:

* FAQs http://www.bisexualindex.org.uk/index.php/Main/Bisexuality

* Intnl bi-day http://news.pinkpaper.com/NewsStory.aspx?id=1680

* Theory and research http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bisexuality

* American Institute of Bisexuality http://www.bisexual.org/home.html

* Am I bi? 

http://www.mcgill.ca/studenthealth/information/queerhealth/amiglb/

* Who is bi? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_bisexual_people

Age Ain’t Nothin’ But a Ponder

Discussing plans for my birthday is not what I want to do at Fab Café. I want a beer and a sandwich at the Pac-Man table.

“Thirty is the new 20,” reports Katie.

“Thirty is the new death,” I reply.

As we ponder the idea of a Country & Western theme party, I picture Dolly Parton, now twice my age, looking fabulous as always, albeit a little … stretched. She makes me wonder, “How does a person look their age? How much would it cost to make my breasts look like they’re in a bra but not actually be in one? And where is my bloody sandwich?!”

“That attitude sounds very 3-0,” Little Ninja Kick warns, adding “btw” to remind me that she’s nowhere near worrying about 2-7.

We used to say “Age ain’t nothin’ but a numba”. Yeah – a number of suspicious skin crinkles and mysteriously placed hairs! Let’s be honest: we only said that because we were 12 and wanted to snog New Kids on the Block. All at the same time … or maybe that was just me?

My sandwich is cold. And beige. The inedible English diet keeps me slim and in the game.

The Soda Fountain of Youth

My typical night out involves propositions from boys with fake ID. They are not 21 because they all say they are 21. When I ask them how old I look they say 22 – good ol’ Catchya 22! God bless English manners.  And low lighting.

My secret? Beer and cigarettes.

The problem with my age isn’t my pending birthday. It’s the eligibility factor. If they’re younger, they ask for help with an essay in the morning. If they’re my age, they just got married or moved to Dumpsville. So, I have begun to consider older men, probably because they do their own laundry and remind me of Roger Moore. They may not know how to dance, but they do know all the steps of the horizontal mambo.

Numb3rs Game

All age-ism aside, if you want to test the boundaries of age, go for it! Better yet, start a blog. People entering a new decade have earned the right to kiss-and-tell anyone they feel like. Crossing over to the dark side deserves a break, an adventure, and surely the decency of online fanfare.

Welcome to the liminal years: you start to sympathise with Dorian Grey and are entitled to at least one (wo)man your mother will not approve of. But remember: it is imperative that the Hair-and-a-Hobby Rule be enforced at all times. You don’t want to pay for your rebellion with a NLC at the breakfast table.

Find Yourself

Perhaps the best thing about the big 3-0 is the abundance of opportunities to reunite with yourself. My favourite blog-world example is Reinventing Sandyb, where personal goals of a motorcycle licence, say what you mean, and a nude beach make a great sending-off for her 20s. Whether it’s a mental, physical or spiritual journey, milestone birthdays should mark a great change in your self-definition, sex life and guest list rejects.

As for me, I have decided on a career change. When the going gets tough, the tough build a brothel.

Shag a Mate Debate

Shag a Mate Debate

So you’ve been single for what seems like ages and tumble weeds are blowing through your boudoir. A long talk with yourself has you convinced that it might be time to dust off your cutest stockings and have some fun…but how…and more so who should you choose? At this point, many of us committment-phobes are forced to examine the Should I Shag a Mate? Debate.  Now, like any good dilemma, there are several possible scenarios to consider. This article is meant to give you a heads-up on what you’re up against and the possible outcomes of making a new “friend”.

Scenario One – The Friendship Ruiner

Everybody has that one friend with whom the boundaries have always been skewed. Describing your relationship as flirtatious is an understatement and interest in their sexcapades has always been lip serviced. When thinking about shagging a mate they are of course your first choice. Given the right scenario and the right amount of booze they are sure to be easily convinced that a casual encounter has no down side. Be warned: this overzealous jumping of the gun is the classic starting move to the friendship ruiner. What will likely begin as an evening full of years of pent up sexual tension will quickly turn to an awkward morning. You will, at this point, realize you can’t go back to what you were and you most definitely will have been weirded out enough that it will never happen again. Consider friendship officially terminated.

Scenario Two – The Are We/Aren’t We?

This scenario will normally take place if you manage to avoid being shut down by scenario one. In this situation you will have managed to sleep with your fit friend at least a handful of times and you probably feel quite pleased with yourself. You carry on with your girlfriends about your success and bask in the casualness of it all – that is until … he doesn’t call. Not so casual anymore is it? Things will eventually get tense and someone will inevitably ruin it with feelings. Consider yourself committed.

Scenario Three – Somebody’s Lying

In this scenario both parties are willing and agree; no one seems too vulnerable and things progress smoothly. Shake that Magic Eight Ball … pause for review … outlook good! YES! Well don’t get too excited and keep that ball handy because you’re about to find out somebody’s lying.  When sex is involved, feelings are usually lurking in the bushes and in this scenario one of the two involved is probably not being totally honest. One person will ultimately swallow their intentions so as not to give up what they’ve got, but will secretly foster the notion that EVENTUALLY it will go somewhere, while the other always thinks it won’t. Consider yourself a heart breaker.

Scenario Four – The Perfect Fit

Ahhh yes. The wonderful and glorious scenario four! Let me start by saying … NOTHING. Why, you ask? Because it’s as real as unicorns and leprechauns. (And, I wish they were real. I really do.) When sex and friendship are involved, it’s messy and never without a serious side order of feelings. Consider yourself schooled.

WhatNot2Date? The answer is probably your friends.

By Little Ninja Kick