Shit. Just before the Greek salad arrives you realise there’s just something not quite right about this date. Either she has pledged allegiance to a hate group or perhaps has brought along the family pet – you just have to get out!
What are your options? While the advice columnists would disagree, nobody actually says: “This isn’t going well. It’s over. Goodbye!” Being polite means you’re leading someone on. Do everyone a favour:
Bad Date 9-1-1
1. If you are proactive, a friend is standing by with a potential “family emergency” rescue. Bonus if you still own an oversized pager! If you’ve suddenly realized that you picked up this incompatible specimen with the beer goggles on, fake a FireCall: you gotta go and she can’t come. Oh dang. It’s totally believable … right?
2. Faking an injury is risky business. In doing this to escape the company of a bad date, know that it may actually backfire and trigger her nurturing side. So if you go down this road of desperation, I recommend a bowel obstruction or rectum tear. Make your emergency her emergency so you can finish the apéritif in peace. But beware my protégé – faking something like this takes practice.
3. If you’re just uncomfortable with the senseless chatter, try jarring back with some of your own: fishing fan sites, nail fungus moments or controversial offside calls. Better yet, divulge your plans to organise the Dr. Who vs Predator convention. Zzzzzz!
For the Lads
4. Women are more sensitive to scent than men are. Use this to your advantage. When she excuses herself to go powder her nose, (fear not, this is inevitable) fill your napkin with some table scraps such as marinated garlic or scampi tails and place strategically at the bottom of her purse or jacket pocket. Do not get caught doing this because, well, it’s just weird.
5. If you stupidly agreed to a date with a woman who is never wrong, gentlemen, don’t get sucked into an argument you can’t win. (Eg. all of them.) Start asking some challenging questions that are bound to piss her off. Might I suggest some of these doozies: What did your last slave die of? Other than that Mrs. Lincoln how did you enjoy the play? May I shake your hand, I have never shook the hand of somebody who is always right. I guarantee she will storm away.
6. Generally a woman accepts a date with you because she feels either intrigued by you or feels secure with you. You can change her image of you from clean to grubby instantly by eliminating that illusion. Might I suggest divulging that you only stopped sucking your thumb in high school.
Separating the Men
7. If you’ve decided that you’re on a date with a dunce, feed her ignorance. Become the walking Wikipedia of useless factoids that just aren’t true. You can’t fake smart, but you can fake false facts – tee hee! This is tremendously useful in conjunction with number 5.
8. If you are silent she can’t hold what you say against you. You didn’t say it. Try TheShrug, but beware: she may hit you.
9. Some women might be impressed that you can bench press your chesterfield, but most don’t wanna hear about it endlessly. When at a loss for how to frustrate her, indulge in your favourite topic of conversation: you. How much you love you and how much you love taking care of yourself. “But enough about me, what do you think about me?”
Break Glass in Case of Emergency Plan
10. Guys … so long as you don’t plan on going back to the same establishment, when all else fails, shift around uncomfortably in your chair. She no doubt will ask you what you are doing. Reply: “Oh it’s nothing. I just experimented with anal paraphernalia last night and I’m still feeling some hemorrhaging.” Guaranteed show stopper right there.
Given, they could be a very nice person having an “off day”, but the whole point if dating is this one rule: You don’t have to stick around to see anything through to the end. If you did you’d be married.
If all else fails, ask to be excused to call your mummy.
- By Dr. Feelgood, Staff Writer
If all else fails .. ask her to call you Mummy!