I have been studying and living amongst the Creepo Tribe (aka singles’ scene) for ages and I’m proud to announce that I can finally spot a Creepo at 50 paces! Usually it’s because they’re 50 and pacing the joint, but if not, here are some of the more subtle indicators:
1. Fake Mikes. These are the ones who have renamed themselves Mike for dating purposes. Their real name is probably Harry Balls and they have Carrie-esque memories of growing up, bullied for being a Creepo.
According to FakeMike2′s internet profile: “Also: names. I have a whole big philosophical thing with this. Why must people be pissed off when I wont tell them the label my parents picked for me before I was even born? It has no bearing on who I am. It is simply an official identifier. Would you ask someone for their passport number or social security number? So you’ll pardon me if I ask you to kiss my pucker.” Real crowd-pleaser, FakeMike2. Do you by any chance hangout at abandoned gas stations?
2. They operate on Creepo Mean Time. This includes the habitually late, the bootycallers and the surprise arrivals. When this creepy behaviour is pointed out, they tend to insult your intelligence by selecting a piece of Non-Logic: I know I called at 3am but I rang quietly; I’m not checking up on you, I’m surprising you; I asked my mom to wake me, but she forgot.
Full moons, surprises and geriatric alarm clocks should not factor in one’s ability to tell the time. Heaven forbid you succumb to even one excuse, they will continue to flare up at unexpected times for the next decade. Hang on, phone … oh God! Make that two decades!
3. Some of their personalities don’t like you. These are the ones who are extremely sweet in the beginning until you start to suspect that there’s something simmering below the surface. They don’t get on with others, are often unemployed, have a deep loathing for important women/mothers, and you think you hear a chainsaw coming from the cellar.
The epiphany comes when a Fight About Nothing has them demanding answers to non-issues scribbled on a napkin, possibly in blood. You try to smooth out the wrinkles and they assume the upper-hand. Refusing to see them again results in an attempt to engage you in endless Battles of the Text (incl. msn, poison pen, smoke signals, etc.). You find yourself using your head as the hammer for an imaginary nail!
4. Being John Creepovitch. Anyone who sounds like Hannibal Lecter whisper-singing in his sleep needs to exit stage left. And, please don’t tell me you’re a Malkovitch fan and that I’m being unfair. Do you also stalk your own stalker with a bowie knife? Weird voices are out and that’s final. So are his fans.
5. Nose hair and neck ties. This may sound superficial, but if these two are not a portable admission of guilt, I don’t know what is. Anyone who has nose hair is clearly unable look themself in the face. Neck beards and mullets also fall into this category. So do ties with cartoon characters on, but that’s simply a matter of principle. Anyone who wears a decorated noose is suspect.
Most importantly, when all else fails: just try to avoid the dicks.
