Operation: Get Dumped

I’d feel a lot better if I didn’t have to do all the dumping every time. Naturally, I was thrilled when Mr. T didn’t call me for 5 weeks while I was on holiday. There’s nothing worse than picturing someone pining after you when you’re in the middle of a blowjob.

Time to get home for Operation Get Dumped: the lazy way out of a relationship that is already over!

Step1: become critical

Little did I know what had happened to my flat while I was gone. To my horror, Mr. T  gave it a total fucking makeover! Hippy-harem meets DIY: giant ferns, many bowls of fruit (with accompanying flies), weird-glowing-fibre-optics-thing on coffee table, and a warped fun-house mirror drilled into my new door. This was clearly not what “here’s my key, please collect the mail” looks like. I told him that it looked like shit and then threw everything out.

Step2: never go out anymore

He decided that for his birthday I was going to prepare dinner for him. He wanted a nice, traditional Canadian meal. I made Kraft Dinner. After all the effort I went to, Mr.T was half an hour late, took one look at the food and was suddenly not hungry. I made him eat it anyways. “It is an insult not to eat the traditional Canadian dish once you have looked at it. Very bad.” I pretended to cry. He gagged it down. I clapped. He did real crying.

Step3: forget how to use the phone

I was so busy being emotionally unavailable that I failed to notice he hadn’t called me all week. How dare he not call me when I’m the one who’s making the point of not calling him!

I celebrated being dumped by going to Canal Street and pulling. Then I received a text from Mr.T expecting my presence in exactly one hour. I replied in two hours saying that I’m rarely available on such short notice.

Step4: become very distant

The next day, I received an angry text from Mr. T letting me know that he was coming to my house immediately because “we need to talk”. Whether he arrived or not remains a great mystery as I was at the opposite end of the city that day. This time my reply instructed him to take a number like everyone else.

The following day, he called me. A billion times. Left angry messages. Then he was banging on my door. He stood outside in the rain and shouted “Please!” for a while. I’m not sure how long because I turned the volume up on X-Factor and made a snack. There’s no way I’m opening the door to that behaviour.

 

Mission = Fail

Later on, I called him and said that we didn’t “need to talk” because I got the message. I was dumped. Thanks for everything and good bye. Right? Wrong! He was shocked! Why would I think such a silly thing? I pointed out that when you don’t call a girl for a month, pimpify her flat, show up late for your own birthday meal, and then sleep with her and not call (again!) that means that you don’t particularly like her and you don’t want to be with her. He told me I was wrong. I told him to go back to his home planet.

I was prepared for the drunk-dialing and the texts, but I wasn’t ready for the grand finale: “Hi how is you? I think we should be friends never that to end. It been really great knowing you. How is work? Well, I hope 2 c U round. Oh, by a way, I forgot to ask … will you sign my immigration papers for me? Just say I is good boy.”

wtf?!

Why Didn’t I Get a Second Date?

Common sense is something my mom likes to call “uncommon sense”. She says that my generation has total license to blame her generation for breaking all the rules and neglecting to establish some new ones. This leaves the WhatNot2Date (WN2D) generation of single-ish people slightly, how you say … f@cked. But, the show must go on!

I dare say even I have been guilty of a few dating faux pas. Yes, I know – if you look up decorum in the dictionary, you will find a picture of me – but my mom has instructed me to get off my high horse and admit that I too can be WN2D. And I listen to my mom because a) she has lived and dated longer than I have and b) I fear for my life a little bit.

So, here are some classic examples of do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do:

 

If you want a second date, DON’T:

1. date an investment banker solely for the purpose of obtaining free financial advice. Apparently they are very sensitive about this.
2. call to ask someone why they won’t call you back. They won’t return that call either. Plus you will appear desperate and you’ll end up with a call from their creepy friend instead.
3. be over-tired on a date. They will indeed notice that you’re hiding yawns behind your coffee cup and taking a nap behind the menu. “Yum! It all looks so zzzzzzzzz…”
4. accept a drive-by date. This is when they are in their car and you are on the sidewalk. It’s just like Pretty Woman, only that’s definately not Richard Gere!
5. return your sister’s car without replacing the tissue and removing the condom wrapper(s) … //sisterfail
6. add them to Facebook. This is not the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
7. try to arrange a date with their hot(er) friend when they are within earshot. Unless you want to split a taxi home with yourself.
8. swear, fart and pick your nose. Only your friends think this is cute.
9. try to squeeze out the bathroom window. It’s further down than you think!
10. Oh, I almost forgot: BLOG about it all over the internet!

Oh dear! How embarassing. Even when I lose I win!

A Rolling Stone Gathers No Bullshit

Me and Singledom sitting in a tree,

Doing It casually,

When along comes love,

Then comes marriage,

Next I’ll need a (bulky, state-of-the-art, 4WD) baby carriage. 

Second verse: same as the first, a little bit louder and a whole lot worse!

This is the decade when I’m supposed to have a mortgage, even though I can’t commit to a country. I’m expected to have a car, even though I can’t commit to parking legally. And, most of all, I’m supposed to recognise that “time is running out” even though I can’t commit to wearing a watch.

Are these the things I really need? Are these the things that I secretly want, but refuse to achieve because I have some Freudian aversion to anything that prevents me from calling all the shots? 

The Stick of Doom and Destiny

I have the utmost respect for women who sacrifice their life for their partner and family. I watched my mom do it with awe and fear. It is a brave woman who pees on the stick and reaches for the folic acid over a bottle of wine and a trip to the clinic. I do not have an ounce of this bravery in me. Nor do I wish to summon it.

Yes, I have a committment problem, but I do not think that Peter Pan had it made. I think he was a dick but dated him (in all his forms) anyways. And, while I will always side with Wendy, I think that there are many different ways to be a grown up, namely that taking care of others is a 9-5 with a pension, not a lifestyle. My problem with commitment is that I’m already taken: by Me.

Forever 21 is a Nice Store, But I Wouldn’t Want to Live There

No, I have not decided I’m going to party like it’s 1999. In fact, the last party I went to saw me at home in bed by 10.30pm. Unfortunately, two friends of mine couldn’t make that event because it wasn’t child-friendly and I bet they were up later than me! Furthermore, at said party, my girls and I chatted about new washing machines, yoga and vegetarian recipes. So, no, I don’t think I’m too immature, too irresponsible or too hung over to apply for the partner-kids-mortgage package. I’m just not in the target market.

 

Why Don’t Some Women Get Married?

Call me traditional, but I really do think it all begins with marriage. So, I google “women who don’t marry” in search of solidarity but the top results only make it worse:

1. A book on Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others

2. A Telegraph article on why women are running out of men to marry

3. An angry woman’s blog about how men are “lazy bums”

4. A Forbes article warning “whatever you do, marry a woman with a career”

5. A feminist site that explains that women don’t want to waste their energy

Well, that was helpful – not! I’m not a feminist, I’m not hard up for choice, I don’t hate on men (much) and a career is just a job. Could it be that women who don’t get married are simply doing the things that married women are doing (yoga, BBQs, washing machines) only they are doing them without a ring on?

Okay, so the mystery of why some women don’t marry may never be solved, and I’m certainly not about to enter the to-breed-or-not-to-breed debate here! So let’s see why some women don’t even buy property with a partner: oh goody! Advice on cheating, violence and whether love can survive if she earns more. Just what I need. Google: you are no longer a verb, you are an expletive!

Why DO Some Women Get Married?

It chills me to the bone when I think about life insurance, college funds and listening for the key in the door. How do people do it? Are they deluded or do they just hope that everything will be okay?

I have no fear of being alone. I enjoy my own company and when I get bored of myself I go outside and play with others. Sometimes I even play nicely. My fear is of being left alone. Of being stranded up shit creek with a real estate agent, a lawyer, crabby kids and only one bullet.

Ladies I Love You But …

Let’s be honest here. You ladies do some things quite well; things that men like me appreciate. Other things – not so much.

But, perhaps I can help. So, I have compiled a top ten list of some key behaviours that you think don’t bother us, but actually make us pretend not to hear the phone when you call. You wanted the truth, but can you handle the truth:

1 Landscaping. There is nothing less sexy on a woman than visible body hair. If you are one of those au naturel hippie types, newsflash: armpit hair will turn us away no matter how well you can bat your eyelashes or rotate a lollipop in your mouth.

2 We all have a past. Some may choose to share their stories of yesteryear, but please be careful here. We do not need to hear about how many suspected fathers your children may have had, how many of your cousins you’ve knocked boots with and we definitely do not need to know about the progress of your plot for world domination. Let us discover these things on our own.

3 If you are in an open relationship … fine. You’ve declared that you are taken, but like to have fun on the side. So don’t get mad if we choose somebody less attached to take out from time to time. Polyamourous does not equal polypossessive.

4 We are not fashion consultants. You and I both know that you look fat in that dress. (Why else would you ask?).

5 We like your sense of adventure. It’s sexy. What’s not sexy is being wild at all times. There are special hospitals for that.

6 We like intelligent women. What we don’t like is being re-educated. For example, being chatted up with The World According To Yourself makes you come across as condescending and pretentious, not witty and wise as you had hoped. Newsflash: we can see through that BS in a nanosecond.

7 The dumb blond act is actually a turn-OFF. Not a turn-on. By all means keep it up if you don’t wanna hear from us the next day. And, for heaven’s sake: do not combine the cute and innocent routine with the hard to get routine. You just come off as dazed and confused.

8 Please don’t ask us to make complex life choices during a sporting event. C’mon, that’s just not fair!

9 Flakiness is just too hard for us to handle. I can’t speak for all men, but once I smell it I run … like the wind.

10 We are not all the same, FYI. Some of us actually have no idea. And we are quite content with that.

So there you have it. Give it a try before you give it a miss. I’d never steer you wrong 😉

By Dr. Feel Good

How to Escape a Bad Date

10 Things I Hate About This Date

1. You don’t look like your profile picture

“Oh! You look a bit … different!” Blink blink. “And the [super long unkempt] hair, is that a new look?” Nods.

2. You need a barber

Obviously, we are not off to a good start, but running away or pretending to suffer from amnesia is poor form, so I decide to concoct a plan.

When he finally speaks, he explains that he was mugged last night and hasn’t even got a penny to his name. He points to the invisible “bruise” under his eye.

3. A person with friends would have borrowed £10 from them

Feeling a bit guilty, I offer my sympathy and suggest that we go to a free art gallery instead. As we enter Urbis, I tell myself that this is good practise for that “being nice” thing my mom is always promoting. Then again, I’d go with Attila the Hun if it meant seeing Home Grown, the story of hip hop in the UK.

4. You block and talk throughout

Homegrown is fabulous and I’m learning a lot. What North American would have known that England has a long-established hip hop scene? As I explore the exhibit, I discover that a unique style of hip hop was inspired by – hair – as a response to immigration in the 1950s, which caused major – hair, knapsack – transformed into a creative mix of new beats and lyrics, later referred to as the best – hair, knapsack, hand – such a question could only be posed by Monie Love during an exclusive interview with – hair, knapsack, hand … is that your voice?!

5. You offer to pay “next time”?!

Having seen everything and nothing, I offer to buy us a quick coffee in the café downstairs before he leaves.

6. Oh, really? You won’t drink that coffee? It’s not fair-trade?

By this point, I’m totally on-side with the mugger – he clearly made a fair trade.

7. You don’t like beer

As I chug my scalding coffee, I realise that now is the perfect time to test all the paranoia-inducing What Not To Do On a First Date articles.

The experiment: Do the following behaviours really ruin a date?

• pick nose & teeth
• talk too much
• lament over past relationships
• hate Christmas, children & kittens
• argue vehemently that Captain Picard can kick James T. Kirk’s ass any day of the week, pal

Conclusion: No dice. Clearly, this date is case in point for the Just Be Yourself rule. Resistance is futile.

Luckily, I overhear a lady behind me asking if any tables would be free soon and over-enthusiastically offer her our table. I force invite her to sit with us while we wait for the bill.

8. You try to kiss me

9. I break a heel running away

As I’m bashing said broken heel back into place against the side of a building, I look up and see him through the glass doors of the train station. To my surprise: 

10. I see you buying yourself lunch?!

Safety Dance

Walking out the front door is perhaps the biggest leap of faith we perform these days. While screens and key pads may offer a temporary protective barrier from all the weirdos, eventually we have to ask “Wanna meet up?”

The Rest of the World – what do they have to offer?

Following the advice of Little Ninja Kick, I made a friend online. We decided to meet. I felt guilty because I wasn’t fearful. In fact, I was more worried that I might be out of milk than worried that I would star in the sequel of Blind Date. I weighed the pros and cons:

• Meet weirdo, get run in stockings escaping from bathroom window
• Meet nice man, laugh, connect, feel good
• He behaves poorly and ends up on WN2D
• I behave poorly and end up on WN2D

Not to worry! I took precautions: a tube of yeast infection cream to be displayed at the opportune moment, should it arrive. It didn’t. Hopefully it wasn’t spotted at the inopportune moment …

Talking to Strangers

We learn as children not to talk to strangers, but as an adult I do it all the time! I love meeting new people and having adventures. That’s why I always wear my favourite accessory: all my wits about me.

We ended up going for a walk, talking for ages over the best pizza and salad at Croma and watching Partition. So what if he knows what my house looks like? He also knows where the tea-making supplies are! (Thanks for not messing the kitchen :P)

I was glad to meet such a charming, attractive and witty man. I had a wonderful time saying “I know what you mean!” and actually meaning it.

Being Aware

Unfortunately, the Craigslist Killer and the Couch Surfing assault have ruined it for the rest of us somewhat normal people. On the brighter side, there are 17,189 people on OkCupid right now and none of them have made me fear for anything other than their parents’ pride and the future of spelling.

The only problems I have come across in my many online dating experiences are: an overly forward international douchebag, a guy who told me off for not responding to his emails fast enough and a little incident I like to refer to as Penis Pinwheel. (Web cam accept = BAD idea!)

As the creator of WN2D, I have a social responsibility to point out the short comings of people like those above in order to unlock the mystery of “Why am I still single?!” for them. As a civilian, however, you are entitled – by the power vested in me – to employ these 3 easy steps:

1. Ask to borrow a large quantity of unmarked bills
2. Delete and block forever
3. Repeat as needed

The key to “Wanna meet up?” is your comfort level. And a good friend on speed dial.

As I keep learning: nothing ventured, nothing gained!

NLC – how to beat them

Not Lifestyle Compatible (NLC)

NLC is a horrible phenomenon that we try to solve with the ol’ Blind Eye approach. Then we are demanding justice when we get kicked in the crotch when we weren’t looking! Today, so many people are NLC that we feel like we will never have a date that isn’t NLC. Truth is, many people do well with a kick up the backside to move them along in the personal development department. Here’s a guide to the most common NLCs and how you can beat them:

1. Stingy McTightwad

Your first date consisted of hot water, a homemade tea bag and two straws. There’s a difference between following the advice of your financial adviser and hiding every cent under your bed. While being thrifty is very fashionable, making your own mattress out of compost is not.

Beat them: announce that you’re going to place an embargo on your own personal hygeine and chart the money you save over a year. Moreover, you are going to fashion yourself a bathroom that matches their compost bedroom set via the clever technique of not flushing.  (A whole new meaning to penny-pinching!)  S/he should quickly get the point about saving vs splurging.

2. Hippy Clearwater Revival

You look at your partner and all you can see is the Ghost of Festivals Past. S/he has taken up yoga, the sitar and moon unit crystal healing in the past month but has abandoned it all on the living room rug for the sake of the nudist poet wolf howling group s/he has recently put together.

Beat them: enroll in being invisible lessons.

3. Thirsty Firsty

If having “a drink” (ie. between 6-10) is the best way to start, finish, take a break, lament and reminisce on an uneventful day, you are with Thirsty Firsty.  This NLC is characterised by ranking the pub much higher on the to do list than the silly little things in life, such as eating a square meal, going to the dentist and washing clothes. While the drinking nods the head up and down, the lifestyle slightly droops the head to one side, resulting in broken promises, poor posture and drooling.

Beat them: bring a bib

4. Peter Pan

You suddenly understand the toy pirate collection and the fear of ticking clocks. Refusal to grow up, go to bed or to get things done is starting to make you feel as if you’re taking a kid to McDonald’s when you’re meant to be having a romantic dinner for two.

Beat them: call their mum and ask her to have a word with her child about how to clean the toilet. Following that, try grounding, removing privileges and consequences.  When all else fails, put their toys on the lawn and call them to come get them. They will likely be coming from a sleepover party at their friend’s house, so be wary for requests of milk and cookies. Remove your night lights to prevent return visits.

5. Bromantic Antics

We have all heard of “bros before hoes”, but this is getting silly. The best mate appears to be the preferred date, and plans will be cancelled, re-arranged and held-up accordingly. When you find yourself picking up the slack while your date and the best mate run off with sudden and unexpected plans, you are looking straight at a bromance.

Beat them: if you don’t want to be left out, date the mate too.

6. Debris Does the World

You have been in cleaner pig-stys. Their room is marked “Lost and Found”. And you’re not sure if those are plates or petri dishes. For your own health and safety, you use the toilet at the coffee shop down the street.

Beat them: bring dynamite.

7.  Rent-free

By the light of day, you realise that it’s neither a basement apartment nor a house share with a quirky back entrance: your date lives with his parents.

Beat them: take your laundry over and leave instructions for the Mother on how you like it done.

8. The Incredible Sulk

Why are they upset? You should know. Can they please repeat that? Nevermind. Do they need to talk about something? Like what. Would they like a nice cup o’ tea? Shrug.

Beat them: with a stick.

Treating NLC

Once you recognise why your date is Not Lifestyle Compatible, it is of great importance to employ the above strategies to beat them – at their own game. The NLCs above are merely annoying traits left over from childhood that their owners were hoping nobody had noticed. The good news for NLC sufferers is that the condition can be solved easily, if – and only IF – the person wants to stop behaving like a loser and start moving towards the next stage in their life: not getting dumped for the same reason every bloody time.