How to Escape a Bad Date

10 Things I Hate About This Date

1. You don’t look like your profile picture

“Oh! You look a bit … different!” Blink blink. “And the [super long unkempt] hair, is that a new look?” Nods.

2. You need a barber

Obviously, we are not off to a good start, but running away or pretending to suffer from amnesia is poor form, so I decide to concoct a plan.

When he finally speaks, he explains that he was mugged last night and hasn’t even got a penny to his name. He points to the invisible “bruise” under his eye.

3. A person with friends would have borrowed £10 from them

Feeling a bit guilty, I offer my sympathy and suggest that we go to a free art gallery instead. As we enter Urbis, I tell myself that this is good practise for that “being nice” thing my mom is always promoting. Then again, I’d go with Attila the Hun if it meant seeing Home Grown, the story of hip hop in the UK.

4. You block and talk throughout

Homegrown is fabulous and I’m learning a lot. What North American would have known that England has a long-established hip hop scene? As I explore the exhibit, I discover that a unique style of hip hop was inspired by – hair – as a response to immigration in the 1950s, which caused major – hair, knapsack – transformed into a creative mix of new beats and lyrics, later referred to as the best – hair, knapsack, hand – such a question could only be posed by Monie Love during an exclusive interview with – hair, knapsack, hand … is that your voice?!

5. You offer to pay “next time”?!

Having seen everything and nothing, I offer to buy us a quick coffee in the café downstairs before he leaves.

6. Oh, really? You won’t drink that coffee? It’s not fair-trade?

By this point, I’m totally on-side with the mugger – he clearly made a fair trade.

7. You don’t like beer

As I chug my scalding coffee, I realise that now is the perfect time to test all the paranoia-inducing What Not To Do On a First Date articles.

The experiment: Do the following behaviours really ruin a date?

• pick nose & teeth
• talk too much
• lament over past relationships
• hate Christmas, children & kittens
• argue vehemently that Captain Picard can kick James T. Kirk’s ass any day of the week, pal

Conclusion: No dice. Clearly, this date is case in point for the Just Be Yourself rule. Resistance is futile.

Luckily, I overhear a lady behind me asking if any tables would be free soon and over-enthusiastically offer her our table. I force invite her to sit with us while we wait for the bill.

8. You try to kiss me

9. I break a heel running away

As I’m bashing said broken heel back into place against the side of a building, I look up and see him through the glass doors of the train station. To my surprise: 

10. I see you buying yourself lunch?!